Your Mother's Day celebration (or lack there of) does NOT define the level of love and appreciation that your stepchildren have for you. It just doesn't
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Our Blended Family Life
I can picture the outraged looks on your faces as you read the title of the post, but just hear me out!
Last year on Mother’s Day I sat across from my husband at our kitchen table. I mean the kitchen table he and his ex-wife bought for our house, I mean their house .... and cried.
At that moment, I had no idea the exact reason why I started crying, but I think it was a combination of three things.
1. I was four days away from going into labour with my first child and was a complete hormonal mess.
2. I could barely sit at the kitchen table because of my excessive belly and swollen feet, and the possibility that my pants were going to split at any moment.
3. I had spent the morning scrolling through a Facebook news feed full of pictures of REAL Moms and their kids celebrating Mother’s Day together. I was jealous. I missed the kids.
Now I am sure there are some moms outraged at me saying this. After all, it was Mother’s Day and obviously the kids would be with their mother, and not us.
I don’t disagree one bit. I have never attempted to make this day about me, and I never will. She is their mom, I am their stepmom, end of story.
But that doesn’t mean I had control over those feelings!
That morning, I had no control over the fact that I was taken over by the “green-eyed monster.” No control at all!
The bottom line is, there are many days when I am jealous of the fact that those kids are hers, and not mine.
Yes I just said it. Some days, in the midst of all the extra stressors and complications that come with the blended family life, I wish we were a “normal” nuclear family; four kids, a mom and a dad.
It’s not all the time. But yes, for brief moments, I dream about not being a part of a blended family arrangement.
I dream that the kids would never have to leave, that we would have every holiday together and that I was a part of their lives from day one. (However, I also dream of winning the lottery and becoming best friends with Kourtney Kardashian, and we all know the chances of that are slim to none… ).
Actually, since that very day, almost one year ago, I have realized and come to terms with the fact that I am jealous of my husband’s ex-wife.
I am jealous. Period. Plain and simple.
Those three kids, the ones that have embraced me, tried me, bugged me, loved me, made me laugh, made me cry… those three kids are hers and not mine!
She is one lucky mom. But guess what, I’m one lucky stepmom too!
Mother’s Day can be a very hard day for stepmoms, especially those who play an integral role in their stepkids’ lives! I’ve read several blog posts and articles about how fellow stepmoms feel on Mother’s Day and words like “unappreciated” always seem to come up!
To any stepmom who feelsl that way, I am so sorry that is your experience. I understand, because last year, even though my mind told me I had no right over the day and I was completely overreacting, I still was overcome by the flood of emotions I had no control over!
Here’s my advice. Give yourself permission to feel this way, but then snap right out of it!
Change your perspective or you’re going to spend a kid-free day with your husband feeling under-appreciated, lost or wondering where your place is in all of this! And you know as well as I do, those kid-free days can be few and far between!
It’s just one day out of 365. Don’t over think it.
And remind yourself you didn’t jump into this stepmom gig because you wanted a parade for everything that you do. None of us did. Because if that were true, most of us would have packed our bags a long time ago.
Be happy that your stepchildren get to spend a beautiful day with their mother, and be thankful for the quality time you get to spend with your man!
THE EXCLUSIVE STEPMOM COMMUNITY! Have you secured your spot?
From our holiday access schedule, to Santa, to extended family, to how we maintain our own traditions here is how we do our Blended Family Christmas
On those crazy busy nights with the kids, THIS pasta recipe is our go to!
Should a stepmom be financially responsible for her stepkids? Here's how we handle finances in our blended family.
Finances can be stressful enough when you’re in a first family - then throw in kids from a previous marriage, child support payments, alimony, lawyers bills, financial strain due to divorce, different ideas about where to allocate funds, and moving into the house where you husband lived during his first marriage… when you’re in a second marriage - the topic of finances can get REALLY tricky.
A few months back I received this note from a reader, about her struggles with finances - today I thought I would answer it for all of you!
Thank you for all that you do.
Can you address the issue of finances when your partner has kids and you have none. How do you deal with expenses such as mortgage (I moved into his home, I am not on the deed, and I pay half), the utilities, and especially the groceries. We have the kids 50% of the time (just like you).
I think that this is an issue that many step-parents/partners wrestle with. I also think that we have a tendency to sugarcoat the issue. There is nothing wrong is saying that "I have no obligation to pay for your children." That said, I still wonder how to go about dealing with finances in an ever evolving situation: Children grow and they will cost more money
I am sure that many people secretly struggle with the issue of finances.
All the best, my friend.
First, I want to start off by saying that it’s important to remember that what works for one family, may not work for another family! There are SO many contributing factors that come into play when it comes to navigating finances when you’re a stepmom, especially a childless stepmom.
Financial position of both the stepmom and dad
The stepmom’s relationship with her stepchildren - Do you see them as part of their family? How have they accepted you into their lives? For example, some stepmoms think of their stepkids as their own, while others see them as her “husband’s kids”
Child support payments
How much the children’s mother contributes financially
The details of the legal agreement that stipulates Dad’s financial responsibilities
How finances were handled when your partner was with his ex (for example, some parents pay for the kids extras like cell phones or brand shoes, while other parents feel like the child should work for these things)
The way you view your partnership and marriage
the list goes on
When deciding how to navigate finances in YOUR relationship, it’s important to consider how aligned your views are in these areas. The more aligned you are, the better merging finances will be.
If you’re not on the same page, and don’t believe that you should be financially responsible for your stepkids, then merging finances is probably not the best thing for you.
At that point, you need to sit down and figure out what you will contribute and what you feel is fair. This is an area where communication is key!!
It should be noted that this may be a conversation you need to revisit several times. It may not be an area where you can come to an agreement after just one pow-wow.
I know that some of you want me to tell you how much a stepmom should contribute to the mortgage or to the groceries, if she isn’t financially responsible for the kids, but I can’t. Again, this is a situation where you need to do what feels right for you. I will say, its probably a conversation to have sooner than later, before financial habits and expectations are put into place. Ideally this conversation happens BEFORE you move in.
It may be helpful to start by thinking about how you would split finances if there were NO CHILDREN INVOLVED - then factor in the kids from there.
For example, maybe you split the mortgage (the cost of that doesn’t change based on how many people are in the home) but your husband pays for 2/3 of the hydro and the groceries on the weeks when the kids are with you. This is where the expenses will increase based on how many people are in the house.
If it bothers you that you’re not on the deed for the house or on the mortgage, that’s a conversation to have with your partner as well.
YOU MAY WANT TO ASK:
What happens if your relationships doesn’t work out as you ARE helping him build equity in the house.
Are you going to be compensated for the equity you’ve helped him build? Is this considered rent? Is there a long term plan?
Is it necessary to put something in writing?
The more clear you are, the better! As much as legal agreements makes marriages a little less sexy and way less romantic, they are often important to have in place.
Personally, I’m often asked how WE handle finances in OUR family, so today I’m going to share that as well.
Here’s the HOW and WHY of how
WE handle finances in OUR blended family….
When my husband and I first started dating, I saw that he was struggling in the kids clothing department. With 50/50 custody schedule, he was responsible for getting the kids what they needed while they were with him. Like many fathers who weren’t used to this responsibility during their marriage, the guy didn’t have a clue.
I was actually quite excited to help out in this department, because I have always loved kids clothes. I loved taking them to the mall, or surprising them with a new outfit. Soon I found myself doing a lot of the shopping for the kids.
On the weekends, I’d also often whip to the grocery store to grab something to make for dinner. While I was there, I’d pick up whatever was needed at the house. I loved doing it but it left me STRAPPED for cash in a BIG BAD WAY. (Let me tell you the cost of groceries continues to blow mind! Kids are EXPENSIVE)
This went on for a while, and as much as I loved contributing, it was also quite stressful. I remember one day, I logged onto my online banking to discover that I only have 5 dollars left in my account and that my VISA was maxed. My car payment was coming out the following day and PAY DAY wasn’t for a week.
I felt embarrassed calling my now husband to tell him I needed money, but I had spent my money on his kids.
Don’t get me wrong, he always paid me back, but sometimes we would just forget and the constant writing cheques back and forth got a little tedious.
As I became more involved, this stressful situation happened more than once.
To avoid this, within months of living together, we decided to merge our finances. My paycheques went into his bank account, and all of my expenses came out of it. My student loan and car payment came out of the same account as child support and lawyers bills. Everything was in one.
We’ve never talked about percentages or who contributes what. From day one it’s been this “what’s mine is yours” scenario … and that includes both of our debts and financial obligations.
THAT’S what works for us! It’s NOT what works for everyone.
Guys I have to say, this isn’t a decision I made lightly.
There was part of me that thought “I am giving all of my money to a man”, how stupid am I?!”
I heard my mom’s voice in the back of my head saying “Jamie you always need your own money, you always need a safety net”
We weren’t even married yet!
But we followed our gut, and both agreed that if that either of us felt this arrangement wasn’t working, we would go back to separate finances. No questions asked.
I went into this relationship HEAD FIRST… knowing that it could either be the BEST thing that ever happened to me or that I could get BURNED really quickly. It was a risk that I was willing to take. So far it’s been the first of the two, and I’m grateful for that.
After we had our baby girl, we decided that I was going to stop working in Child Protection and stay home so I can be available for the kids. My husband’s job can be quite demanding, and with the extra curricular schedule and all things “life with four kids” - he wasn’t able to leave work every day to get them to where they needed to be.
We sat down and realized that it was better for OUR FAMILY financially if I stayed home while he continued to work. Essentially, my job is to support him so that he can better support us. (I bet that sentence got a few of you wound up - remember THIS is what works for us)
It’s a team effort - with me being home, he is able to work longer and harder, which ultimately benefits our entire family unit.
I take care of everything on the home front - except for taking out the garbage and cutting the lawn that is! And he handles most of the finances.
This arrangement lasted for a couple years, until I was able to start my own business from home. The truth is, me working wasn’t in the plan. We never intended on me being anything other than a stay-at-home-mom but I was getting bored! I still had this burning desire to help people. While I wanted/needed flexibility to be there for the kids, I was CRAVING more! I also very much wanted to contribute financially.
| SEE BLOG POST: How I make money from my blog |
Now, while everything I make goes in a SEPARATE account for my business, it’s still ours. When I pay myself, I transfer it to our account. There have been many times when I have been the one to pay financial obligations for the kids such as camp, winter coats, etc… It hasn’t changed the way we look at our funds.
DOES IT BOTHER ME THAT THE MONEY I MAKE GOES TOWARDS HIS KIDS?
Personally no. I look at our marriage as a partnership and I see his financial responsibilities as my financial responsibilities and vice versa. I also don’t view the kid’s expenses as his responsibility. I view it as ours. When I married my husband, I also got three stepkids. I am happy to support them in anyway I can.
The reason why this works is that we (for the most part) are on the same page about what we will and will not provide for the kids, and how much we will allocate for what.
Yes, we’ve had disagreements. Yes, there have been heated conversations because we aren’t ALWAYS on the same page, but that’s normal for any family. The PROS of this arrangement far outweigh the CONS.
DO I RESENT HOW THE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES FROM HIS FIRST MARRIAGE IMPACT OURS?
Look I’d be lying if it hasn’t crossed my mind - so to answer this question, sure I do. With divorces come legal agreements that stipulate certain financial responsibilities including kid’s expenses, child support etc…
These calculations don’t necessarily reflect what the financial responsibilities would be if there were no divorce. I think that there are aspects of the system that are flawed, unfair and unreasonable. BUT guess what… spending my time and energy dwelling on the Ontario Family Law Act isn’t going to change it.
Spending our time and energy thinking about what life would be like, if we didn’t have to worry about some of the thing we do, won’t change anything!
I hate this saying, but “it is what it is”
When it comes to navigating your way through finances, it’s important to remember that A LOT of couples in first families have separate bank accounts and deal with their finances separately.
This isn’t an issue that is exclusive to blended families or stepmoms.
So, moral of the story is if you’re constantly getting into arguments over what is being spent and where… separate finances is the way the go!
If you feel that your current system is unfair, then sit down and talk to your partner about it and get on the same page.
Finances are very personal and people have different relationships with money! You have to do what feels right for you, and is best for your family dynamic.
PS There is SO much more to cover on this topic! Like I said, finances is a COMPLICATED subject. If you have specific questions, be sure to leave them in the comments - a follow up post is coming REALLY soon!
From managing social lives, to scheduling family time to monitoring screen time… here’s what we do!
When should a stepmom disengage from parenting their stepkids?
When I look back on those early stepmoms days and think about the situations that caused me the most stress and anxiety, the hockey arena takes the cake!!
Ladies, we're one week into the school year... how the heck are you making out?
I have to say, the first week was a bit of a blur for me. My daughter had her first day of JK on Friday, and honestly, the only thing I could think about was not letting her know how anxious I was about the whole thing.
The good news is, the day went great! Even though there were a few tears in the morning, she had an amazing day and was so excited to go back this week! Her big brother helped with that! (Did you see my first day of school post on Instagram? It still melts my heart!)
Now that we're back into the groove, I am REALLY starting to think about getting back into routine - including how I am going to handle healthy school lunches this year!
A few years ago I threw in the towel when it came to making my stepsons lunches, and passed the torch onto them. I was sick and tired of the healthy food I packed coming home untouched. Quite honestly, I don't blame them. I had a different idea about what a healthy lunch should include than what they were used to, so the backlash should have been expected #stepmomproblems
If you haven't read it yet, you should definitely check out one of my most popular posts: My Biggest Stepmom Lesson Came From A Lunch Box Brownie
With Reese starting school I've found new energy and am really looking forward to instilling those healthy eating habits early on. I'm even hoping they are going to rub off on the rest of the crew.
A few week ago, I sat down with my good friend and Holistic Nutritionist, Natasha Bell of The Healthy Ginger to talk about all things healthy school lunches.
Guys! This chat gave me just the motivation that I needed, and truly changed the way I think about the importance of healthy lunches for kids.
If you don't have time to watch the entire video, Natasha summarized a few take-aways for us!
Have fun with it! Seriously, mindset and the way you think about it is everything!
Use social media, Pinterest + old cook books for inspiration (doesn't need to look "pinterest worthy" just use this as a way to get those creative juices flowing).
Focus on including more quality whole foods that come from your own kitchen.
Get your kids involved whenever you can! Consider taking some input on their favourite foods, take them grocery shopping once in awhile, get them to chop up some food or if they are smaller just talking about food while they pack what you have prepared is a great start.
Challenge their pallets with different colours, textures, shapes and sizes.
Know where to grab some quick, easy, healthy and school safe snacks. I love Costco.
Invest in some quality lunchware - it lasts forever and makes packing the lunch much more fun!
If you're not already be sure to go follow Natasha on Instagram and Facebook - if you're looking to amp up your families health this school year, she's your mama!