Yesterday was a tough day.
No, yesterday was a REALLY tough day.
We had an appointment with our fertility doctor to talk about our "next steps" in our fertility treatment - which I guess, depending on how you look at it, could be exciting, but for me it was just a dose of reality that I wasn't prepared to have.
You see, even though I openly talk about our 2+ year journey with trying to get pregnant for the second time, I really thought that with a little help, also known as the fertility drug Letrozole, we would have been pregnant by now.
After all, it was so easy the first time!
But, as you know this isn't the case - and guys it's been an exhausting journey.
As we drove the 45 minutes to the appointment, I looked at my husband and said "I think I'm going to throw up. Like really really think I am going to throw up."
My head was actually in a bag for a few minutes there.
My usual tough exterior and positive attitude was no where to be found and my whole body hurt. I was that nervous.
I knew what the appointment was going to be about. We were going to talk about our options for "assisted reproductive technology" - which by the way, sounds like the least sexy way to make a baby. In fact, sex isn't even involved, so it's there really is no "sexy" at all!
We talked about percentages, and costs, and waitlists and timelines - as soon as the doctor left the room to go grab yet another script and requisite for blood test the tears, started streaming down my face.
I bit down on my lip HARD, trying to keep it in. But I just couldn't do it.
Like I said, it was a freaking tough.
In fact, I instantly got a migraine and was pretty much down for the count, physically ill for the remainder of the day. It's crazy what stress can do to the body!
Look, I know there are people in my life who question why I talk so openly about this. I know they roll their eyes when they see a blog post or I mention something about it. I know how it all plays out - And hey, I get it - why would you want to share this with the freaking internet? This is about as personal as it gets.
Truthfully, I don't LOVE sharing it. As I write this I feel like I could hurl. In fact, whenever someone talks to me about this in real life, it makes me feel nervous, uncomfortable and sometimes even ashamed. Even though I know I shouldn't feel that way at all.
But I started this blog because I want to talk about things that people don't (and should) openly talk about. To open up conversations about topics that are wrongfully deemed taboo. To normalize real life challenges.
A while back Jenna Kutcher said something along the lines of "how many people can you impact with your journey?" ... and that one sentence pretty much sums up why I write everything that I write.
I want to let women know that they aren't alone in their struggles and their insecurities - so that they're not ashamed for feeling the way they feel.
Whether it's struggles stepmotherhood, motherhood or hey, issues with fertility, it's reassuring to know that you're not alone.
So, this morning as I sit here in a quiet house, sipping my morning coffee, I'm going to lay it all on the line and give you the truth about secondary infertility, especially "unexplained secondary infertility"
1. IT'S A MIND F*CK. A STRAIGHT UP MIND F*CK.
These days I try and limit the cuss words, but guys I don't think there is another way to describe it.
You're not given a reason WHY it's not happening, so you can't begin to process and come to terms with your reality. You've been told nothing is wrong, and you know the you've done it before. Month after month you cycle through hope and heartbreak, then hope and heartbreak. It messes with you. It really does.
2. HAVING OTHER KIDS DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER
Yesterday at lunch my husband said to me, "well at least we have Reese and we need to be grateful for that"
My response, "if one more person says that to me I am going to lose my mind on them, including you"
His response: "I know, I just don't know what to say"
I felt bad for snapping on him, he had good intentions ...
Yes of course I am grateful for Reese and that we were able to have her. But that doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't make the feelings I have go away. It doesn't make the feelings of jealousy and frustration and embarrassment just disappear. It doesn't make me any less pissed off at my body. They are two very separate issues.
3. IT TAKES A TOLL ON YOUR MARRIAGE
At first trying is fun. It's really really fun. But after months of heartbreak, it becomes like a job. Remember above when I said that there is nothing sexy about "assisted reproductive technology" - there nothing is sexy about ovulation tests, online cycle calendars and all the pressure that comes them either
4. EVEN THOUGH YOU TRY NOT TO BE JEALOUS, YOU'RE REALLY JEALOUS
You try your best to separate other people's experiences with yours, but sometimes you lose that battle. Sometimes it's hard to be happy for other people. Sometimes you're so overcome with jealousy that you have to pep talk yourself out of it. Sometimes, as you write the "Congrats I am so excited for you" on the Facebook Post, you can't help but think, why the heck can't that be me?
Then, when you realize how terrible it is to feel the way you're feeling, you feel even worse!
5. YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR MIND ON ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SYMPTOMS OF PREGNANCY
A month or so ago I was at the hairdressers and overheard a pregnant woman talking to someone about how tired she was of being pregnant. She was uncomfortable, and irritable, and hot and tired. She had been sick and just wanted it to be over.
EVEN though I am pretty sure I complained about the same things when I was pregnant with Reese, I wanted to stomp across the room and ring her neck. I would give anything to be uncomfortable, and irritable, and hot and tired and PREGNANT. I don't blame her for complaining. I complained too... But looking, I back I wish I knew how lucky I was.
That's all I have for now.
My hope is that someone who is in my position reads this and feels less alone.
And hey, if you know someone experiencing this, be a good friend and send them this link.
But for now, as much as I desire the saying, "it is what it is"... it really "is what it is"
Everyone in life is fighting some kind of battle, and this just happens to be ours!