Over the past several months I’ve tried to play it cool when people ask whether or not we are going to have another baby.
“We’re not trying to, but we’re not trying not to”
“We’re so busy, who knows if we can handle another child”
“Someday for sure, just waiting for the perfect time”
“We’re going to wait until after [insert next big event here] to start trying"
The truth is, we have been trying for several months.
And we've had no luck.
I just didn't want anyone to know.
In fact, until recently, my husband didn't even realize just how badly I want to be pregnant. I've been trying to pretend that I am okay ...
But I'm not.
The truth is, every single month, I’m convinced that I am pregnant.
I think I see the symptoms, I think I feel different, I think it must happen soon because it was so easy with our first.
And then when I learn that I am not, my heart breaks.
When the test comes up negative, I try and shake it off but I can't.
I walk towards my husband, tears streaming down my face, shaking my head no. I bury myself in his arms while he reassures me that “it’s okay... it will happen, we just have to try harder”
Then I buck up, get back to my (very blessed) life as a mom and stepmom of three and wait until we can start trying again. But I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with me.
I opened up about this topic in a recent Instagram Post:
After writing this instagram post, I was overwhelmed by the number of messages I received. So many women told me their stories, and thanked me for speaking out against this presumption getting pregnant is as simple as making a quick decision, when it's not.
If you sent me one, and I didn't respond, know I appreciated you reaching out.
But talking about it is hard.
It’s easier to have that heartbreak and private moment with my husband, put a smile on my face and keep on keepin' on.
But it’s also freaking lonely. And in keeping it to yourself, you feel like you're alone and that something is wrong with you. That everyone other woman on your Facebook Friend's List just makes the decision to get pregnant, hires a personal photographer heads to Pinterest to choose her perfect birth announcement.... but somehow you can't make it happen.
But despite the message that our Facebook Newsfeed gives, it's not the reality for so many!
Which is why I am writing this.
It's not because I want to talk about it with all my family and friends (In fact, please don't call me about this).
It's not because I want to throw myself a pity party (like I said above, I am very blessed in the child department with a beautiful daughter and three beautiful stepchildren... and many are experiencing struggles way beyond what I am)
I'm writing this because I know there is at least one woman reading this who is also going through the exact same thing... and I want her to know that she is NOT alone!
Questions like "When are you going to have another baby" or "When are you guys going to get pregnant" are thrown around every single day. They are asked with the best of intentions.
I'm just hoping that before we ask these questions, we consider the fact that for many it's not just a matter of making a simple decision.