This week my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary.
Looking back it seems like yesterday and forever ago that we walked down the isle.
My husband loved our wedding day. He loved everything about it. The party, the people, the location ... EVERYTHING. He still talks about how much he enjoyed the day.
Other people tell us that too... the consensus is, we through one heck of a party
But when I look back on our wedding, I have little pit in my stomach. It's a hard thing to describe, but I wish I could go back and do our wedding over as the person that I am today, not the person that I was back then.
I remember mid afternoon on our wedding day, my cousin walked up to me and said, "isn't this the best day of your life??" ... I half smiled and thought to myself "gosh, I hope not"
When I look back, our wedding represents a time in my life where I was so so insecure.
I wish I could go back and do that day over as the confident person that I am now, not the wannabe confident person that I was pretending to be!
Let me explain.
For those of you who just started following along, I'll summarize the two years of our relationships.
It was a whirlwind and looking back I do love our love story.
Our first date was March 28, we moved in together that summer , were engaged in October, married in June, pregnant with Reese in August.
(hold the questions on when I think that it's appropriate to meet the kids and move in together, you can check out a video on that topic HERE)
I remember when we announced our pregnancy a friend commented on Facebook, "wow you guys don't do anything slow do you?!"
No we didn't. We still don't.
We know what we want and we go for it.
While our family and friends were like, "what the heck is going on here?", we were so caught up in our love story that we didn't think anything of it. At least that's what we told ourselves.
On the outside it would seem that I was confident and secure and didn't give a crap what anyone thought. On the inside I spent all my time and energy thinking about what other people thought and worrying about what this day meant to my husband.
Thoughts like these went through my head on repeat. All while I sat there with a smile on my face.
- he's done this before, he knows exactly what it's like to have a wedding... will this still be special for him?
- he's already said vows to someone, and look how that turned out
- do people think this is a joke?
- does his family really want me to be apart of theirs?
- what is my dad going to say during his speech? (at the beginning he was pretty clear that he didn't think this is a good idea - you can read about that here)
- do they think I'm just his new, young, midlife crisis rebound wife (sorry honey)
- what if he changes his mind last minute and gets cold feet?
- this has to be too good to be true
In fact, I think I may be the only bride who looked at my dad just as I was about to walk down the isle and said "holy *&^% I think I"m going to puke" . HIs response, "I'm not sure you're supposed to say that right now Jamie"
I wish I could go back and walk down that isle as the woman I am today.
The woman who knows that being his second doesn't mean that our firsts are any less important to him.
That in marrying him I get a better version of him that I would have ever gotten if I were his first.
That other people's opinions are absolutely none of my business, and that spending so much time and energy thinking about this, really was a waste of time.
That living your life according to what other people think you should do, is a sure way to live a life full of regret and mediocrity. It's also quite self-absorbed to think that people spend time thinking about you at all.
I wish I knew that there is no shame in being the "second wife" - that as time passed we would create our own memories and traditions. Soon I wouldn't think of myself as the second wife all. I'd simply be just "his wife"
But I was 26 years old, changing my entire life, taking on an insta-family, and well, I just wasn't at that place yet. It's like they say, you don't know what you don't know.
So yeah, as we approach our anniversary, I do think back to our wedding day and smile. I think about where we were, and how far we've come and how much we've changed together.
I smile and think about crazy it is that the insecure person walking down that isle, now overshares her musings with stepmoms from all over, without thinking twice (and apparently refers to herself in the third person too )
My point, if you're also a new stepmom feeling insecure about being the second, remember what I said. There is no shame in being his second, it doesn't make your firsts any less important, and hey, chances are you're getting a way better version of him than the first time around, because I'm willing to bet that he too has grown and learned a lot of lessons along the way!