Sometimes, as stepmoms, we have thoughts that we wouldn't dare say out loud. In fact, we feel a tremendous amount of guilt for actually thinking them. 

Not because the thoughts aren't natural - but because Society is still pretty judgemental of the whole stepmom role. When it comes to "keeping it real" you have to tread VERY lightly. 

Last weekend, on Sunday afternoon, I had one of those thoughts.

I felt terrible about it for about 3 minutes and then I decided to cut myself some slack, and just be real. 

Last week was a little crazy, and I'll be honest, I've been a straight up hot-mess. (I feel like I've been disclosing my hot-mess status to you on a regular basis lately, but it's true. As my friend Abby refers to is, I'm a "Hot Mess Express")

In addition to the regular hustle bustle of life, my husband has been been away a lot, we hosted a family gathering, and as I am sure you know, preparing for Christmas with four little people is like an additional part time job!

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it like it is. This hot mess needs to regroup!. 

On Sunday afternoon when we came home an overnight with the entire crew, it seemed like everyone just dumped their bags at the door and went off to do their thing. They all just magically disappeared leaving me to unpack the leftover food, clean up the mess and deal with the pile of stuff that was sitting on the floor in my kitchen.

Literally, no one was anywhere to be found!  

As I've told you, the mess drives me looney - so there was no waiting for everyone to come back. I needed to get it done. 

I'm not going to lie, I was a bit irritable. I was a bit overwhelmed. Disorganization stresses me out - which is interesting because it's how I've been rolling for a few weeks now. 

(Did I tell you I forgot to register my child for kindegarden? Yeah. Like I said - Hot Mess Express!) 

As I've told you, we have a 50/50 week-on-week-off access schedule with my stepchildren. We transition the kids on Monday after school.

Every other Monday is a tough day for us - the house is so quiet and we really feel the void! I'm definitely a stepmom who prefers to have my step kids around. 

However, that being said - on Sunday afternoon I found myself very much looking forward to having a week off. 

Yes, that's right I said it out loud. I was looking forward to the kids going back to their Moms.

Even though I love those three people more than I ever thought possible, I was looking forward to having a week-off so I could catch up, get organized and prep for Christmas. 

As a stepmom, there are things that you just cant say because Society is read to pounce. Seriously, say it like it is and you'll be quickly labelled as an "evil stepmom" who should have known what she was signing up for when she decided to marry a man with kids.

And I get it (even though I hate the whole "you knew what you were signing up for" bit). But whether you're a mom or stepmom, there is nothing wrong with looking forward to a break every once and a while. A break is definitely what I needed. 

I even considered slipping my toddler into one of the kid's bags and crossing my fingers that their Mom didn't notice the extra kid at her house - Kidding (well kind of). 

In all seriousness though, this week I am not going to feel bad about enjoying the calm nights, and the quiet house. I am going to be as productive as possible and get this place organized so that next week when everyone comes back, I'll be a better wife, a better stepmom and a little less of "hot mess express"

I am going to sip my wine, enjoy the peace and quiet, re-group and not feel bad that  I said what no stepmom is supposed to say out loud...  because I know that it doesn't mean I miss them any less. Plus I know for a fact, if this were another "real" Mom saying they were looking forward to a break... the response would be "don't feel bad... you deserve it"

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